I became very good at reading everyone except myself

I've spent a lot of my life trying to work out what other people need from me:

• Are they happy?
• Have I upset them?
• What are they expecting?
• What should I say?
• How can I make this situation easier?

People-pleasing can become so automatic that you don't even realise you're doing it. Masking taught me how to observe, people-pleasing taught me how to adapt and rejection taught me to be careful.

You can become incredibly tuned into someone else's emotions while being completely disconnected from what is happening inside yourself.

That can make boundaries deeply complicated. Because how do you confidently say no when you've spent years looking for everyone else's answer first?

When saying yes feels easier than saying no

There have been times when saying yes felt easier than dealing with what I imagined would happen if I said no.

• Sometimes I didn't want conflict.
• Sometimes I didn't want someone to be disappointed in me.
• Sometimes I didn't want to be rejected.
• Sometimes I wanted to feel wanted.
• And sometimes, honestly, I genuinely didn't know what I wanted.

We often talk about consent as though everyone always has a crisp, unambiguous internal voice saying Yes, I want this or No, absolutely not.

Real life isn't always that neat.

For neurodivergent teens and adults, knowing where our boundaries are and holding onto them can be complicated when several things are happening at once: executive overload, sensory fatigue, rejection sensitivity, masking, burnout or simply being overwhelmed by what another person expects.

A yes isn't always the whole story

When we talk about coercion, we often imagine the most explicit versions of it: physical force, direct threat, or someone refusing to accept a clear refusal.

Those things matter enormously. But coercion can also be much quieter.

• It can look like persistent pressure until you eventually give in.
• It can look like manipulation, guilt, or emotional withdrawal.
• It can be knowing that someone's mood, affection or attention will instantly vanish if you don't comply.
• It can look like believing everyone is as honest and upfront as you.
• It can look like taking people at their word.

From the outside, someone might simply see a person who said yes. They don't necessarily see everything that happened before that yes.

There is a profound difference between choosing something freely and going along with something because the emotional cost of saying no feels too high.

Sometimes I was looking for something underneath the sex

I've written before about hypersexuality as regulation and this is where that understanding connects for me.

Looking back, sexual attention could sometimes provide something I was desperately seeking:

• Feeling wanted
• Feeling attractive
• Feeling connected
• Feeling chosen
• Feeling like I mattered
• Feeling loved
• Feeling 'normal'

The experience wasn't necessarily about sex itself; it was about what the attention made me feel.

Something can feel comforting or regulating in the moment and still leave you feeling disconnected from yourself afterwards. Understanding that distinction has helped me replace harsh judgement with curiosity.

Instead of asking, "What is wrong with me?" I can ask: "What was I actually looking for here?"

Guilt, shame and hindsight compassion

When you look back on experiences that didn't feel right, it is easy to turn discomfort into shame.

Shame makes everything smaller, darker, and heavier. It tells you that you had to be perfect to deserve safety.

Hindsight gives you information you didn't have in the moment. I can acknowledge my choices while also recognising pressure, vulnerability and circumstances. We can take responsibility for building our boundaries without taking responsibility for someone else's decision to cross them.

I'm learning to recognise my own yes

Boundaries aren't just about becoming better at saying no. They are also about becoming better at hearing your genuine yes.

Now, I try to pause and ask myself:

• Do I actually want this?
• Would I still say yes if I knew the other person wouldn't be disappointed by a no?
• Am I excited about this or am I relieved that someone wants me?
• Am I choosing this because I want it or because I am trying to avoid rejection, conflict, or abandonment?

Those questions have changed things for me. Not because I suddenly have flawless boundaries. But because I am finally including myself in the conversation.

You don't have to earn the right to have boundaries

Understanding my AuDHD hasn't given me an excuse. It has given me context.

It helps me understand why validation mattered so much, why rejection felt so painful and why people-pleasing felt like second nature.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life punishing myself for the boundaries I didn't have in the past. I want to build the boundaries I need now.

Questions to sit with